Nobody...

Nobody can see this disease. Nobody can see the pain; the physical, the emotional, the spiritual pain. Nobody can tell that my body is failing me. Nobody can see that I hate my body and I punish it with food. Nobody can tell that I hate my emotions and I bury them with food. Nobody can tell that I feel like a failure as a woman in one way so I cook and bake to try and make up for it. Nobody knows that every month I mourn the loss of a baby I had hoped I conceived; a baby that I calculated a birthday for and imagined seeing for the first time.
I try not to let my heart break when I see a pregnant woman or a newborn baby. I try not to get angry; angry at the woman, angry at myself, angry at God. I try not to beg and plead and whimper in my prayers. I try not to cry uncontrollably in the shower. I try not to give God the silent treatment on a bad day.
I suffer with infertility, PCOS to be exact. The most common endocrine disorder, a disease that can lead to heart disease or uterine cancer. Infertility is hard for most people to understand,
it makes people say stupid things even though they mean well. Relaxing won’t help. More sex won’t help. Not thinking about it won’t help. Trying to be perfect so God will reward me won’t help. Thousands of dollars, the best specialists, and prayer aren’t even helping at the moment.
I am happier with Charlie than I could ever imagine, but I still want another; I am not happy with just one. I want a bigger family even though I love the little one I have more than anything. I don’t want to adopt. I don’t want a surrogate. I don’t want to give up. I have carried a baby, I have pushed a baby out of my body, and I have nourished a baby solely with my breasts. I want that again. I wish that I could accept another’s baby as my own; I wish that I could accept someone’s selflessness.
I want people to be able to share their joys without walking on eggshells. I want the ones I love to know that my anger is not that they are having a baby, but that I am not. I want the ones I love to know that it’s not that I think I deserve a baby more than them, but that I deserve one too. I want the ones that I love to stop looking at me like a wounded puppy; I want them to stop trying to offer words of wisdom. I know that they mean well, but they do not understand. I want them to accept that I am grieving and nothing can make me heal.
So, while I am on many different cocktails of medications and have part after part of my body examined, and continually get disappointing news; please remember I am suffering. Please forgive my mood swings, my angry lashing out, and tears over silly things.

Novels?

I love to read… But, when I read a novel I cannot think of anything else. I will stay up the entire night saying “just one more chapter, just one more chapter.” I will leave laundry in a heap and stay in my pajamas all day. While I love novels, I just cannot do it.

I have spent the last seven years in college; yes it took that long to get a five year degree. I have read countless textbooks, or pretended to anyway. Who could stay awake and read the history of economics? Not me. And now, I am a teacher whom is supposed to encourage a love of reading. The only problem: it’s supposed to be a healthy relationship with books. Mine is unhealthy. Mine is selfish and addictive. Mine is one-sided and obsessive. How do I solve this problem?

I read things similar to text books. Then, I have a purpose to my reading. I am not entertaining myself, I am learning, which by the way I find entertaining. I read cookbooks, cleaning books, parenting books, career development books. I find all of these things just as entertaining as novels. I find myself daydreaming about roasting a chicken or how to best teach rhyming to a student with a delay. While this type of reading takes up as much time as reading a novel, at the end of the day there is still a pile of unfolded laundry on the couch, but that roast chicken tastes define and I have another lesson plan in my teaching portfolio.

Now, I know that addicts can create elaborate excuses for their drugs. I just did that with my drug of choice: books. But, I think reading is a pretty healthy addiction, like good hygiene and perpetual kindness to others. I think that is more people had healthy addictions; less people would have the unhealthy kind.

“Healthy Waffles”

I know that you may think that there is nothing healthy about what is virtually a cake with butter and syrup for breakfast. While it may not be as healthy as a grapefruit or plain oatmeal, it does aste yummy and can be made a little healthier. My little man does not like cereal; a reason I don’t believe in the science of genetics, I can eat a box of cereal in one sitting if I allowed myself. He likes waffles, pancakes, French toast, basically anything with maple syrup. So, the only thing to do is make healthier versions that are as quick and easy on a weekday as EGOS. Here is my version, which I always double for yummy breakfasts all week.

Waffles
2 eggs
2 cups low-fat buttermilk
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup whole wheat
flour & 1 cup all-purpose flour (this ratio keeps the waffles light, but still whole grain)
2 teaspoons baking powder
½ teaspoon salt
¼ cup Crisco
1 cup fruit*

Heat your waffle iron; I keep it at the highest setting because I like my waffles a little on the crispy side. Beat eggs, add buttermilk and mix well. Add remaining ingredients and mix until well combined. Spoon onto waffle iron and bake until steam stops; my waffle iron has a timer. Serve with butter and syrup or strawberries and whipped cream.

These can be kept in the refrigerator for about a week or a freezer for about a month. To reheat: just pop into the toaster.

*I like to add fruit to start the day off right toward the 5 a day. I will add berries, unsweetened applesauce, puréed pumpkin, or diced peaches.

Menu Planning

Breakfasts:
Oatmeal & Fruit
Eggs, Toast & Fruit
Waffles & Fruit (For my little man)

Lunches:
Homemade Soup & Sandwich
Homemade Chicken Nuggets & Fresh Veggies (For my little man)
Leftovers

Suppers:
Monday: Fresh Fish, Rice Pilaf, Steamed Veggies, Green Salad & Applesauce
Tuesday: Two Roast Chickens with Root Vegetables, Green Salad & Applesauce
Wednesday: Chicken & Dumplings & Applesauce
Thursday: Steak, Baked Potatoes, Steamed Veggies, Green Salad & Applesauce
Friday: Wagon Wheel Pasta with Pancetta and Peas
Saturday: Stuffed Shells & Green Salad
Sunday: Beef Roast, Mashed Potatoes & Gravy, Steamed Carrots, Peas, Yorkshire Pudding &
Peach Cobbler

Planned Work:
Make a big batch of Waffles for the week
Homemade Bread
Use Roasted Chickens to make Chicken Stock & Soup

Scheduling

In an attempt to be more productive each day I have decided that scheduling is a must. I need to be a better housekeeper, cook more from scratch, do more activities with Charlie, exercise, and still have energy left to spend time with my family in the evening. The way I am doing things now is to procrastinate all week and then do a mad dash through the house if someone threatens to visit. It’s just not working. I am stressed out and I don’t sleep at night because my to-do list is the same every day. I also, regrettably, am letting my little guy watch way too mush television instead using fun activities to bond and teach. They don’t have to be elaborate activities; they could be as simple as reading a book or going for a walk in the fresh air. I also haven’t exercised in so long I practically get winded loading the dishwasher, let alone the extreme sport of hand washing dishes. I need to get back to the obsessive Melissa that lives in a sparkling house, eats meals made from scratch, and has cute little projects created by my little artist hanging all over.

What’s your schedule look like?

Happy New Year!

Well, it's 2012! I am very excited to start a new year. Last year didn't go as I had planned. I can't say that it was bad. I have a wonderful family and with them life is never bad; it just wasn’t what I had hoped for. So, I am hoping to make 2012 a record-breaking great year! My first and foremost New Year’s resolution is to remember that “God has his own plans for me.” I can have hopes and dreams, but if I don’t get everything that I desire it is only because God has better plans for me.

As with most people, I have made ridiculous resolutions that I make and break every year. I want to eat healthy, exercise, keep a cleaner house, and be a perfect wife and mother. While these things aren’t impossible, these are not things that you can just pick up New Year’s Day and accomplish every day. My goodness, I didn’t even do them in full on New Year’s Day, let alone the next day. So, for this year I intend to make better choices when it comes to my health, to be a better wife, and to be a better mother. Striving for perfection is not realistic, nor is it healthy. Its only purpose is to set myself up for failure and that is not a good way to start 2012.

I have started this blog over and over. I have written posts, deleted posts, and disregarded posts. I think that all of this neglect was because my blog didn’t serve any purpose; I only did it because I thought it sounded like a good idea. Deciding a purpose is essential if I am going to keep up on my poor blog. I have decided that my blog can serve me well; I can use it as a way to keep me accountable. So here’s to a great year everybody!